i want to be with you, but maybe also be kind of like you?
I think one of the bigger things that has stopped me from exploring gender more before now is the fact that I am really attracted to masculine-of-center people. That’s definitely a real thing, and I’ve had moments of “i want to be with you…but i maybe want to be you too a little bit?” and i’ve tried on pieces of their masculinity before, but it felt like it wasn’t okay to copy them.
and I’m also really scared of the kinds of people i’m attracted to not being attracted to me if i’m more masculine. i don’t think i actually want to be quite as masculine as they are. i really like something about the dynamic of being at least slightly more feminine in a relationship. and i know that there must be plenty of butches/MOC genderqueers/trans men who date people with similar gender expressions and identities as them. i would just like to see that more.
maybe being single for a while will be good in that i can pay more attention to what makes me feel good about myself without worrying about another person or attracting a potential person.
is this a thing other people deal with?
what is it with queers and space?
is it the vast openness of space that reminds us how our sexuality and gender identities aren’t black and white,
that there’s so much more out there to explore??
Words are weird. I very much prefer they/them pronouns right now, but on another level I actually am fine with any pronouns—it’s not like it really feels bad when someone I don’t know well or at all uses she/her, it’s just that I want to hear they/them a lot right now because they are the most actively validating of how I feel. At work there are a few people who I don’t really feel like coming out to as genderqueer who say things like “hi ladies,” which just feels silly to me because I don’t really feel like a lady, at least not all the time. But it’s a thing I can kind of laugh at because it’s just silly, but doesn’t really feel bad.
""Of course it’s happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth would that mean it’s not real?" -Albus Dumbledore"
I was thinking a lot about this quote and relating it to how I’m thinking about my gender. Gender’s just a thing that’s in my head. It literally has no other meaning other than how it’s been constructed in people’s minds. But it’s real because there are certain ways I feel about myself, and certain ways that I want to be seen and validated by others, and that’s 100% okay and valid. I’m feeling better about that these days, but I still need to remind myself all the time. It doesn’t matter why it’s happening in my head, because it doesn’t matter why it’s happening in anyone’s head. All I know is that I feel more free since I started playing more with gender with binding and new clothes, and asking people to talk about me in a more gender-neutral way.
"This is for all of us, scraping the binary from our softest parts and being gentle with each other as we fuck it up."
more peotry advice from a real peot
say you want to write a line like
"you left me shattered but whole"
consider switching “but” out with “yet”
so it doesn’t sounds like
"you left me shattered butthole"
this has been peotry advice by a real peot
bahaha wow now i’m terrified of doing this, but also i would probably realize halfway through and die laughing in the middle of open mic night.
 nevermind, i’ve decided i’m writing poems like this on purpose, this is a brilliant idea